Hanging About in Dreams (1)

Coinciding with the beginning of summer is our first date at Tiananmen Bar along Makati Avenue. I am observing Gerry from across the table. I seem to memorize every feature, even his smile. It is still a getting to know stage, but embers of the feelings contained in the past, in a somehow different realm, are starting to take hold of the moment. Until eventually, a heavy, swirling mass of emotions engulfs me.

I wake up with my pulses racing, surprised not only by the fact that I just dreamt of the person lying beside me, but also with the crisp details of the dream which actually happened more than a year ago.

I sit on the bed and try to get a glimpse of the dark room we are in. It is a room devoid of personality, its strangeness exposed by a flickering sheen of thin, dancing ray-like lights escaping through the window curtain. That, and the furious noise of passing cars outside the motel, add more to the nostalgia. I struggled to check my watch. It says 4:15 a.m.

Snoring lightly, Gerry’s upper body is as bare as mine. We are sharing a thin, white blanket standard of cheap motels in the metro. A pinching, poignant feeling of missing this person strikes me. For a moment, I regret waking up from that dream - one that is reminiscent of the past and of the endless potentials of the could-have-beens.

Hanging About in Dreams (2)

Worn and tired to the bones, I arrived in Manila from an out of town trip a little late that evening and was set to miss one of those Friday drinking nights with friends. I was ensconced at my place while watching a late night program on the television when a call broke my sleepiness. It was Gerry.

“Hi Jay. Are you back in Manila? I’m somewhere in Makati. Let’s go to Government and unwind.” He said, with a little urgency in his voice.

“I just got back a few hours ago from Cagayan de Oro. You know what, I found this club there much like Government.” I said.

“Really? Too bad we never discovered it during our stay there last year. So, are you coming?” He asked.

“Sure. I’m a little tired but I think I need to unwind.”

“Hurry up so you can catch the free entrance before 1am. See you in a bit.”

While in the taxi, I tried to recall the last time we met. It was about a few weeks ago where we had a few bottle of beers and talked about everything under the sun except the “us” talk, which is usually the case. I guess that is the usual thing with ex-lovers, you never get past beyond the awkward stage of talking about your past. Gerry and I broke up around the summer of last year, but still managed to see each other once in a while for a drink or two, a kind of relationship which was generally a blurred area for me.

I made it a little past one, so I paid a few hundred bucks for the entrance. Gerry was already inside, and the entire floor was crowded with guys like us. The music was a little loud and despite the dimness, I easily spotted him. We found ourselves laughing and talking like we never had something going on before. A guy standing on his right side was trying to catch his attention, so I made a joke about giving that guy a chance. I went to the wash room, and this other guy who was staring at me ever since I arrived followed me. He was nice looking and seemed decent. After a while, it got awkward talking like that inside the wash room so I said I’d see him around. Gerry was looking for me and wanted to get rid of this persistent guy. I wanted to tease him more and told him I’d just say hi to my friend on the other side of the dance floor. He immediately followed me, and was a little angry at me for doing that. More beers, and we found ourselves standing with side by side all throughout. He was kidding me if I was getting jealous of that guy, and I replied yes with much exaggeration to which we both laughed.

Kenneth, Gerry’s friend and an acquaintance of mine, approached us. For some reason which I did not bother to ask, he knew our story. He was kidding us if we’re back together to which we both reacted surprised, and even showed some expressions of aghast.

“I think you’d be happier with each other. Why did you break up, in the first place? Why don’t you two stop wandering and get serious.” Kenneth said with a meaningful smile.

I didn’t know if he was kidding or not. We were caught unaware by that statement, but started kidding each other once again, after a while.

“Isn’t it obvious?”, I said to him. “We’re giving ourselves second chance.”

Gerry seconded and we further teased Kenneth, and even held hands in front of him. More jokes and teasing, and suddenly, I noticed that such exchanges were getting a little bit meaningful. I pretended not to mind it at all.

Gerry wakes up and breaks my reminiscing of the memories of the few hours before. “It is getting colder.” , he says, and complains about me sleeping like a log while he, on the other side, has to wake up every now and then. “It must be the alcohol. I gulped down around five bottles.” , I say. I turn my back towards him. I doze off listening to our shallow breaths, the only reminder that inside this room at this very moment, we are breathing each other’s breath, only invisible, only a little less insignificant fact.

Hanging About in Dreams (3)

It is mid-summer and we are spending the holy week in Marinduque. We are playing truth and dare game along the beach with his friends. Suddenly, we are on the hot seat. “So, are you two together?”, they ask us. “You know the answer guys. Jay’s a very special person for me.”, he says while looking at me. Then the attention shifted to me. “Same here. Gerry’s the most wonderful person I’ve ever met.” Then, cheers from his friends. Somehow, they dare us to kiss. We also seal the first “I love you’s” in front of them. Summer day instantly transforms into a cold, breezy night. We are two bodies becoming one, hugging while floating above the silent, placid, moonlit sea. The view of the full moon glorifying us from the sky is breathtaking. From nowhere, strong, giant waves come rushing toward us and takes me away. The waves bring me to its depth and back to the shore, and I find myself crashing with the sharp rocks.

It is the drowning feeling which awakens me, and later magnifies to a weird feeling I cannot even describe. I breathe heavily and check my luminous watch. It’s just around 5 a.m. Gerry seems restless with his occasional shifts beside me. I think of holding him but change my mind in an instant.

I try to remember how we got in this motel. We decided to call it a night after an hour of drinking and dancing in Government. Inside his car, we still went on with our jokes on how we missed each other. I was really drunk, having gulped down four bottles of beers and a glass of vodka. He was a little drank too, but sober enough to drive. It was obvious that neither of us wanted to go home then.

“So, where are we going?” I asked him with my eyes closed, feeling a little bit dizzy.

“Let’s go to this club in Malate, Jay. The night is still young.” He said.

We headed towards Manila and found ourselves approaching the strip of bars in Malate. He pulled to a stop, and asked me, for the second time, if I wanted to go there or spend time in a quiet place.

“Anywhere, Gerry. I just don’t want to go home yet.” The drunkenness was gone now.

“Then, let’s go to a motel.” I laughed at him for telling this. But I know there’s some seriousness in his tone.

After taking an unplanned u-turn away from Malate and crisscrossing what seemed to be hundreds of streets, we found ourselves in some motel. I, myself, was surprised by the sudden courage I had. I have gotten over the one-night stands typical of the gay lifestyle, and have sworn to stand up to my belief that relationships matter first rather than sex. But that night was a different night. It was nothing short of a grandiose plan, a forced culmination of all the time wasted and forgone opportunities.

I wouldn’t simply call it sex, it was a lovemaking that we did. Lying on our back and holding each other’s hand, for a few seconds, that tingling, old feeling resurfaces. Gently, I let my hand loose, afraid of the implications it may bring. I still remember the last time we spent the night together as lovers. I never thought it would happen again. Here I am, lying beside him in a strange room, but now maintaining a certain distance, and sending signs that are only sent by foolish people, afraid but wanting of the what if’s, wanting but afraid of the if… then…’s.

A melancholic, empty chair beside the window, barely recognizable from the dark, transports my thoughts to that last night which signaled the end of summer. It is like watching my own play, but now distantly seeing myself from his eyes, feeling the same hurt, the same betrayal. I was stealthily putting on my shoes while sitting on that chair facing the bed, all the while memorizing his body, for the last time, as he was sleeping. Suddenly he woke up, and wondered why I was dressed up and about to leave.

“Where are you going? What’s the problem?”

“Nothing. I just want to go.”

“Jay, this is not the time to make jokes. Have I done anything wrong?” Gerry leaned on the headboard, scratching his eyes, his grogginess now gone.

“I think this is the end, Gerry.” I said. “Please, don’t let me explain. Just let me leave.”

Hanging About in Dreams (4)

We wake up a little past midday and nobody tries to talk about what happened, even after checking out of the motel. I insist that he just drop me off on the next corner, and we say the usual goodbyes. Walking along the strip of commercial establishments filled with hurrying hordes of people only God knows where they are heading, and bored cigarette vendors waiting for the Sun God Ra to descent along the heavily-trafficked Roxas Boulevard, the Saturday afternoon heat becomes a little scorching. Occasional gushes of wind from the nearby Manila Bay blends with the dark, polluted smoke from the passing vehicles. Still, this makes the walk a little airy and bearable. The sun is blinding and a street vendor approaches me to sell fake Calvin Klein sunglasses for fifty bucks. I light a cigarette, and take a shade in the nearby Starbucks.

Taking refuge with my newly bought sunglasses, I take a seat in the corner. The pungent taste of coffee doesn’t take the dreaminess away, memories and daydreams still spinning inside my mind. Things just happened so unexpectedly last night, and I am still dazed by how feelings of the past can sprout from small cracks of the present, only to be swept away, then relived, in a totally different kind of way, still untenable, seemingly fleeting, and surprisingly, even lurking.

To Whom the Last Beer Falls

“Can I go in for a while?” Marco asked while I was getting off his car.

I checked my watch and invited him in. It was only 10 pm. Besides, it was raining like hell. The weather was a little showery when we left Tapsi, once our favorite drinking place around the UST area. There, we had a couple of beer and laughed about everything like we never parted ways.

“You haven’t changed.” He said as soon as he got a glimpse of my messy place. “I see. You got rid of the aquarium. Where are the fishes?” He added, referring to the missing, inconspicuous aquarium on the corner he gave last year as a birthday present.

"They landed on the frying pan when my budget ran short." I jokingly said. He was used to me not giving the direct answer.

I cleared the sofa of books and and loose papers. He attempted to help me out but suddenly decided to just stand on one corner. I remembered the time when he used to fix the mess himself and, all the time, nagging about my need to organize things, more so my thoughts. A cell phone suddenly rang and brought me back to present.

“It’s yours.” Marco handed my phone from the table.

It was Ian whom I was with earlier that day. Ian is a very nice person, and if ever somebody asks me about it, it’s one of those rare moments when I’d say “I don’t know.” I mean, I just don’t see anything coming, though I certainly enjoy every moment with him. Maybe, we are just friends; Maybe, we’re just both playing it safe. Again, I don’t know.

“Dude, what’s up?” I asked after turning on the television. I walked towards the bathroom for some privacy.

“Bored. I was thinking if you’d like to have a few beers. That is, if you’re not doing something right now.” Ian’s place is just a 20-minute ride from mine.

“I’m a little drank, dude. You should have told me earlier.” I almost said. Instead, “I could still have a few bottles of beer. Let’s meet in Timog after an hour? Same place. I hope the rain stops by then.”

“Ok 11 p.m. then. See you.” He hanged up.

Back on the sofa, Marco was restlessly surfing the cable. I sat beside him and asked him to just stick to one channel. “Can’t Hardly Wait” was being played on HBO. After a while, I felt his hand reach for my back. I felt my pulse quicken but pretended to be amused with the movie as it shows fate playing around the lives of the characters. A supposedly funny sex scene in the movie caught my attention and made me laugh. He laughed, too, as he awkwardly held my hand with his. I broke from the grip and reached for the remote, commenting that I could not hear a thing the characters were saying.

“You’re already drunk.”, he said.

“No. It’s the rain.” I nonchalantly replied.

I got us more beers from the fridge beside the window. Although the rain had already stopped, faint drizzles still blurred the windowpane. I opened the windows and absorbed the fresh air. From the 4th floor, I got a whiff of the wet alleys from the neigbourhood - the kind that tells you a rain had just passed. Indeed, a damp night like this could be a revelation.

The wall clock said it was thirty minutes past ten.

“One for the road?” I turned around and handed him a can of beer.

Blink

Non-chalantly looking from a distance,

I found your eyes among the great and busy crowd
and wonder how I can think of happy endings
when we already lost the ending from the start.


I kept lingering on your eyes for a moment,

but they are like withered embers of the past gone
where we feign ignorance because we failed each other
and random, fleeting glances are all we can share.


And so the wind blows,

                           and my eyes blink to new directions.

Strangers to Ourselves

“Wither thoust go, stranger, in thy shiny car in the middle of the night?”

This is a slightly modified line from Jack Kerouac’s On the Road. Strangers and midnight, they complement each other. I still vividly recall Julia Kristeva’s piece on ‘strangers’ in her piece “Strangers to Ourselves”. In that writing, the bottomline of hatred and discrimination starts with being strangers. She is talking about race, of course.

I have a different version to tell, though, and I’ll stick to that midnight allusion. Of late, nothing could have been more intense and triggering than the events and realizations surrounding this musing. This is where strangers proved to be some kind of magnet that offers possible adventures, of heartless union, of mystical escape. A flickering moment, as one song goes.

It could have been in the most perfect setting. You’d certainly catch the stare that “knows” along that deserted hotel lobby in a strange city in the middle of the night. An instant attraction, a lonely room for either of you, and the need for a strange company. That’s all it takes.

You talk as if you know each other very well. You try to withhold as much information from him despite your perception of the other party as being “trusthworthy”. You’d never go out with an indecent person, you tell yourself, but that’s enough. You are all perceiving, but all cautioning on the other side. After coffee, you’d walk back to the hotel, to either of your room, and, again, in one flickering moment, two souls become one.

The hotel phone rings back at your room. It’s from the other room which you just left. The tone is sweeter now, you notice. There’s the temptation of being more familiar with each other now. But you try to shrug it off and believe that nothing special happened. It’s a strange, but still, an ordinary night, and you have your flight early in the morning. No nothing.

Along your routinary way, you meet such strangers. Even in the most unexpected places, you’ll find yourself exchanging those knowing looks. A few talks, and suddenly, the stranger is no longer a stranger. But you know that after that flickering moment, the stranger will have to remain a stranger. You’ve learned not to cross the line.

One thing even amusing is how persons whom you have had connections with can instantly become strangers. You look straight into their eyes and all you see is a stranger. Or, they can be the ones to see the strangeness in your own eyes. Or maybe both. Unexpectedly, there’s the relief in finding it. It’s back to being strangers, once again.

Too soon, “new” strangers will cross your paths to offer countless possibilities. But then again, you can always find yourself facing the most perceiving question, neither uttered nor answerable, because you realize that you are also a stranger to yourself.

“Where do you go, stranger, in the middle of the night?”

Itch Just a Little

10 PM, Skypark Hotel, Zamboanga City

I have just finished preparing my stuff for tomorrow's trip to Tawi-Tawi. I should be sleeping by now but the chaos, or lack of it, inside makes my hand itch to write. Anything, it says. However, all I get is an empty mind and an empty screen.

Perhaps, these are signs of good things to come. Of stability, one might suggest. Or it could be that I have reached the limits. Of what, another might ask.

On the other hand, this can actually turn out to be a bad thing. The fact that it does not really worry me is not good. 

Things are a-changin', as Bob Dylan would sing. The fact that I am into this new state is a proof to that. I, myself, do not care whether this is just a temporary stop or not.

What the heck am I talking about? More words, and this just keeps getting longer without actually getting to my point.

Let me say it straight, then.

When you live like others do, it's hard to make your feelings itch, even just a little.