There are self-made promises that I intend to keep.
Several months ago, I finally had the courage to have myself tested for HIV at San Lazaro Hospital in Manila. "Why?", the doctors and social welfare officers asked me in their loud voices, obviously ignorant of the hordes of patients eavesdropping on our conversation. As boldly as I can, I began by narrating the kind of lifestyle I have and ended the story with the AIDS-related death of my ex-partner. I could tell that it left the eavesdroppers' mouth open for quite some time.
Although this ex-partner and I had been separated for more than 7 years now, the 2-week waiting time was not only depressing but painfully unbearable as well. Opening the envelope to see the results was like witnessing my own future crumbling down in front of me. Instead, the results gave me a quick lecture on second chances - clearly, my favorite game of all. It is now time to pay my dues and make true the promises I made. There are exciting bargains in my to do list, and staying sober belongs to the less-exciting ones.
This is not an easy task, to say the least. The 2-week "waiting time", for instance, gave me more reason to increase on my consumption of alcohol and go on a drinking spree every night. I began to question the meaning of life, the seeming fleetingness of happiness and the eventual destruction, pain and death. These issues have always been at the back of my mind whenever I happen to drown myself in alcohol in the past 10 years, with an average of every other night. It is only of late, however, that I have begun to articulate such questions. It has made my nightly indulgence in Jack Kerouac's words more romantic: "As I grew older I became a drunk. Why? Because I like ecstasy of the mind. I'm a Wretch. But I love love."
However, alongside with such indulgence, as it always is with alcoholics (even for self-confessed ones like me), is the desire to articulate one's doubts, fears, and dreams in a sober kind of way. I intend to do just that. I have been intending to, in fact, for the past 10 years and every time I woke up with a really bad hang over. This time, I want to keep myself clean and sober, both from drinking and, its twin vice, smoking.
For the first time, the self-confessed alcoholic will be attending an alcoholics anonymous (AA)* meeting this Sunday in Malate Church. Let's see how this one turns out.
*A listing of AA support groups nationwide can be found at the group's database http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/AAPhilippines/
